February 2012
1 post
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January 2012
1 post
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November 2011
1 post
September 2011
1 post
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August 2011
2 posts
1 tag
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Let's joust!
While the rest of the world is still in awe of our ability to hit a small ball with a piece of metal until we get it in the hole before drinking ourselves to oblivion in celebration, the great tracksuit wearers of Ireland should not be forgotten as they strive to answer Ireland’s next ball call.
Remember when “extreme ironing” took an already annoying time waster to a whole new...
July 2011
1 post
1 tag
May 2011
4 posts
“I have a package in my pants of bailout proportion”
– IMF pick-up line
1 tag
“I am currently living my dream - last night I dreamt I was ironing!”
– Motherfuckin’ moi
December 2010
3 posts
1 tag
November 2010
5 posts
1 tag
1 tag
“Waiting for my annual car service to be completed is slowly killing me. By the...”
– My fookin’ gob, innit
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éirígí go splat
Ireland has endured many violent periods in her life. On first spotting Mary Harney (or the “Twenty Six County Minister for Health” as the below mentioned twats call her) covered in red, I initially thought that she had just endured one of the most violent periods of her life. This was not blood, however, but red paint, thrown by a member of an organisation called éirígí, which I think...
October 2010
2 posts
1 tag
Transport woes
Seats that tilt forward when you sit down! Smelly bastards encroaching on your personal space! Toilets that are the sole preserve of the travelling smoker! Yes folks, these statements, and more, can only start to describe the daily treat that is my work commute. After years of toil, I made a breakthrough discovery recently, when awoken on my journey by an overzealous snorer. Rubbing my eyes and...
1 tag
Taste of rain
In the beginning we paid for food by bartering, then we paid in punts, and now we pay in Euros. At the Taste of Dublin last June, however, I was introduced to a new currency…florins. Having to use this funny money made me feel like I was in a real life game of monopoly, with one important difference: the aim wasn’t to purchase hotels or houses (we all know the problems with that) but...
September 2010
1 post
June 2010
1 post
May 2010
1 post
April 2010
3 posts
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WTF is up with LOL, ROFL, and BYOB
Have you ever come across people who feel compelled to end every sentence in textual form with either lol or rofl, especially when talking about things that aren’t even supposed to be funny? For those of you who have no clue what these terms mean, I commend you, and suggest that you stop reading right now. Ok twentysomethings, now that I have your (notoriously short) attention, can you...
1 tag
February 2010
1 post
2 tags
DUMBbells
Hello reader (it’s always a bad sign when the singular of the term covers my entire legion of fans). Do you have a “Jim” in your life? Is he a friend, lover, acquaintance, stalker? If the answer is yes, you should count yourself lucky (well, perhaps apart from the stalker part), because I don’t have a Jim in my life but have, instead, been burdened with the similar sounding...
December 2009
2 posts
1 tag
1 tag
Wrap up this Christmas
My first few months in the new job and Christmas reared its ugly head once again. €15 limit for Kris Kindle! I can do that, I reckoned, as I donated all but a single pint of my blood to muster the necessary funds. Having picked a recipient from a cupped hand which resembled a hat of sorts I was off, a bespeckled man on a mission. The day of reckoning came and I gave my present, happy in the...
November 2009
1 post
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And the word for today is: Sans pants!
Ahh people watching, is there anything better? Back up there motherfuckers, I didn’t actually expect all 2 of you to answer, for the question I posed was a rhetorical one, whatever that means. Most of my people watching is with them on foot, but I have discovered that you can also people watch people in their cars. In this situation, there is less of them available to watch, so you really...
October 2009
3 posts
1 tag
1 tag
3 tags
Cross referencing goodness!
Between bouts of follicle related depression, I do enjoy an odd show of 24. Having not watched it from the beginning, I am playing catch-up, watching the previous seasons on DVD. I like Jack Bauer. I like his no nonsense style, and his commitment when it comes to his job, especially as his personal life goes to shit. He strikes me as the kind of guy who, when asked on his death bed if he had...
September 2009
2 posts
1 tag
Try knitting your way out of this one!
Living in a commuter town, I spend a reasonable amount of time, well, commuting! During this time, I notice things. Some things I like, and some things I, eh, rant about. Come waste 2 minutes with me post haste!
While I can fully appreciate the role that knitting played in olden times, namely to pass the time before your house was lucky enough to get a goggle box, or to keep your hands occupied...
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August 2009
1 post
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Respect your bag, and the world will respect you!
Taking the locomotive (choo-choo) home one afternoon, I dismounted to face something quite disturbing. Some brainiac had obviously tired of wearing their school bag in the traditional “straps over the shoulders” manner. While I agree that it’s akin to the missionary position in its lack of imagination, it works (just ask your parents)! This person was obviously getting all adventurous...
June 2009
2 posts
1 tag
What would Ronald McDonald think...
Male Pattern Baldness
I’m sure my large readership (Hi Mom) has been adversely affected by my lack of posts recently. I assure you that I am ok, but have been busy searching the world for a cure for male pattern baldness. Progress is slow… This will all change towards the end of July, when (hair or no hair) I will have more time to discuss lots of interesting subjects* with you all. Until then, do something...
May 2009
1 post
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C'mon C'mon
April 2009
1 post
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Ex-squeeze me? A-baking powder?
I work in Ireland’s version of Ground Zero (otherwise known as the IFSC). The reason I call it this is because it is currently in the grips of the Irish building mentality of digging a hole to fill a hole, which in turn, gives everyone who works there a giant pain in theirs. As a result, a couple of hundred metres of Luas tracks is taking an inordinate amount of time. On the hair timeline...
March 2009
1 post
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Invaders Must Die
The Prodigy-ical son has returned from the wilderness (or Essex), and with a rather good album to boot. Let us kill the fat (sorry, big boned) calf and raveth like its 1992. Now where did I leave that glow stick.
February 2009
4 posts
1 tag
Talbot Street, and Anne Frank!
As I was walking up Talbot Street in my half asleep state this morning, I spotted a pig staring out the window (for scumbags with an unexplainable hatred of An Garda Siochana, insert pig-related joke here. Happy? Now fuck off!). Quite aware of my hallucinations and how they mock me, I almost left it at that. What made this pig unique, however, is that he was directly above his greatest of enemies,...
1 tag
Pol Pot - an equal opportunities employer?
Having read this story recently, I was struck by the term “Chief Torturer”. How exactly does one become a chief torturer? Do you start off as an apprentice, like the tea boy in an office? “I used to just boil the water used for scalding, but then I moved onto sharpening knives. Before you could say severance pay I was washing blood off the walls. They were the good ‘ol...
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Video Friday Bitches!
Well, quite! Obscene title aside, below are some great videos, which are close of my heart for a whole host of reasons, summarised as follows:
I like hip-hop
I like funny hip-hop
I like Chris Rock
I like to dance
And with that in mind, enjoy!
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Pain in my face!
Hearing bad news from the man is always, well, bad! What takes the biscuit, however, is when this bad news is appended by “we would like to apologise for any inconvenience this may cause”. Have you ever listened to what came before this fucking ridiculous phrase and not been inconvenienced by it? Me neither.
Announcement “your head will explode in 30 seconds. We would like to...
January 2009
5 posts
1 tag
Women of Ireland, know your limits!
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“There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and...”
– Geek joke there folks. Don’t kill me!
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Calling all Keyboard Warriors
Even though I’m a trained killer*, I sometimes worry about how the rest of my generation would fair on the battlefield. I have it on good (non-Palestinian) authority that the reason Hamas took a good bashing is because many of them were trying out the latest bullet dodging technique, known as “bunny hopping”. Between this and homemade missiles that looked straight out of the...
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Recessions gonna get ya
“SEX. Now that I have your attention…” was the way that some advertisements used to start. Nothing gets your attention like the word SEX in big, throbbing letters, before having your senses polluted with whatever shite is being plugged (I call this consumer constipation). Well I loved that, you know, ‘cause sex sells (ask your local prostitute for more on this concept).
...